Christian Women: Don’t Wait on Men. Just Wait on God.

waiting for guy to change

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations 3:25

Our world is filled with women who leave it up to the men to make the first move, and unfortunately, many women in the church do the same. Our society constantly preaches that instead of going out and finding love, women should wait to be found, as if the only good men are the ones who will break their backs to do the finding.

As Christians, we should be firmly denying this twisted mentality of romance.  A man isn’t any less of a gentleman if he doesn’t want to act right away, and a woman isn’t any less valuable and unique if she wants to actively pursue him. Women and men are both equally treasured by God, and instead of holding one gender to a ridiculous standard, we should be living by God’s perfect timing.

Some might say:

But what about the women who give so much and get so little back?

In other words, what about the women who are sick and tired of looking for love and winding up empty? Of course, in this case, there is waiting to be done. But these women should not be waiting on the men. To blame someone you haven’t met for the delay of a relationship that may or may not happen is completely unfair to everyone involved. Whoever your soulmate will be can’t help that he isn’t your soulmate yet. If you’ve searched and searched and have wound up empty, maybe you should redirect your focus to serving God, and let the relationship come whenever it’s meant to.

This is not to say that you should give up, easily, however. Sometimes, fulfilling your desires requires walking away. Sometimes, it requires persistence.

So how do you know when to retire your search and when to search even harder?

That call is yours to make according to God’s will as you understand it. If you pray consistently and are constantly meditating on His word, He will make things clear to you. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” As a general rule, if you have the confidence and patience to keep going, and your motives are pure, then by all means, keep going.

But if your search has you burned out and frustrated with yourself, the world, and God, you need to move on- at least for the time being. And while you’re ‘moving on’, be sure not to close off all connections with the dating world. You should still be available and still be interested, but not desperate. A relationship should no longer be your top priority, and you should now have more time to spend growing both as an individual and as a believer.

A common complaint from single Christian women is that they just can’t seem to surround themselves with the ‘right guys.’ As a Christian, dating can be harder because your moral standards are set so much higher. Not only do you have to find someone who shares your interests, but you also have to find someone who shares your faith.

But dating can also be easier, because if you have Christ in common, you’re already more than halfway there. While there isn’t some magical secret to attracting the ‘right guys’, there are a few tips you can use to weed out the bad ones.

Here are some simple tips to help you in your search for the right Christian guy.

First, look in the right places. Clearly, your chances of finding a respectable Christian man in a bar or casino are very slim. Dating websites like match.com can be helpful, but beware of the ‘fake’ Christians who will profess to be believers just to get close to you. Christian dating websites may be more fruitful for this reason. And, as cliché as it may sound, church is actually a viable dating venue. That doesn’t mean that you should go to church simply to look for guys. Instead, see it as an opportunity to get closer to God and connect with fellow Christians who could be potential marriage partners.

One other extremely helpful tip is to make your faith known almost right off the bat. The first thing a potential partner should know about you is that you are a follower of Jesus Christ, and that God will always come first in the relationship. This way, you can find out what he believes, and if your values don’t match up, you can know for sure that he isn’t ‘the one.’

What if you’re already in a relationship that feels one-sided?

Change is hard, lets face it. The most difficult part about all of this is that some change will be inevitable if things are to get better in your relationship or marriage. The quote below really summarizes how I think we all feel about change.

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

It’s not easy when you’ve invested so much time, energy, money, and sacrifice into a relationship only to feel miserable still. That is why it’s often so hard to leave. I like to think of it as a plant. You’ve built this plant that was once bearing beautiful fruit but now that plant is starting to bear less and less fruit, even looking damaged in some areas.

Do you rip out the plant with deep roots and start over or do you try and fix it, hoping the plant will get better and one day bear the beautiful fruit again?

If you’ve reached this point already, something definitely needs to be done, that is for sure.

The first thing you can do is to be honest with yourself and write down all of the things that are making you feel this way. Some things you list might seem trivial at a second look, others you might find are actually unjust and fixable, and some you may feel even more upset about. The point is, it will help you get ‘everything out’ and help you take steps to start evaluating your feelings and your relationship.

Here are some of the common things people mentioned:

-delaying or giving up a career.

-being the sole provider with an unmotivated husband or boyfriend.

-delaying or giving up children.

-husband or boyfriend plays all of the time with friends while wife or girlfriend works.

-husband or boyfriend has an addiction or problem with _________ and I have waited years for that person to change hearing the same excuses.

Here are 5 common ways you can tell if you’re in a one-sided relationship.

1) If one person is doing all the giving, and other is doing all the receiving.

2) If the sacrifices you make feel like slavery instead of servitude.

3) If the focus is short-term pleasure rather than a long-term commitment.

4) If you aren’t building each other up in the faith.

5) If your partner doesn’t reciprocate your love for God.

In these situations, there are only two options- fix it or leave it.

Of course, leaving would be the easy way out. But there are little steps you can take to help mend the relationship; small acts of kindness and love, open discussion, and even counseling are just a few of them. If the relationship seems fixable, then stay. But know that the longer it remains one-sided, the more toxic its effects can be on both of you.

In closing, in your search and even in the dating process, let God’s judgment be your judgment. Let His will guide your decisions. Don’t complain that He is making you wait; rejoice and be grateful that He is giving you this time to grow in patience and grow in your walk with Him. Don’t wait on men, for they are just as human and imperfect as you are. Wait instead for the right one to come at the right time, and trust that God will make it happen.

Do you struggle with this issue? Share your experiences below!

Blessings,

Peter

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