Abandonment is one of those secret hurts that manifests itself in so many ways such as loneliness, depression, anger, and fear. I know this firsthand because I experienced all of these feelings growing up but at the core of all of it was abandonment. As I matured in my faith I have found three things, why we feel abandonment, how it manifests itself as destructive behaviors, and the solution for it.
The very moment that my mom gave birth to me, she gave me away. I didn’t know at the time, but the moment that I needed my mom the most, she abandoned me. The same recurring message was sent to me again when my mom divorced, and again when she divorced a second time.
I felt as though all of these people, the people most important in my life were leaving me, and why? It was like a message that was being sent to me (my heart) that said, Dear Joseph, I’m leaving you because I don’t love you.
When the people most important in your life are leaving you, it’s hard not to wonder if something is wrong with you. You add on top of that, growing up in a community that is largely very different from you (racially) along with a lot of racism and you could say I was a pretty broken child inside.
How did I cope with all of this? All of the feelings that I had, anger, loneliness, depression, and fear had become a part of me. I started to believe that people really didn’t love me, that I had nothing to offer this world, that I was a failure, and maybe that was the very reason why everyone had left me. I ended up partying a lot trying to get girls to like me, to see something inside of me that I thought my biological mother had missed.
I drank alcohol and I ended up flunking out of my freshman year of college. I had no idea where I was going, who I was, and if anyone really cared about me.
As I look back, I found that I had used those things as an escape, a place to getaway from the reality that I didn’t want to face. For some of you, the place to escape might be drugs, alcohol, prostitution, abuse, pornography, violence, romance novels, or even behaviors such as putting other’s down in order to make yourself feel better.
All of these behaviors often stem from a core issue of abandonment. When the people we love hurt us and then leave us, we begin to feel as though something is wrong with us, that we have nothing to offer. This can’t be farther from the truth, which brings me to my next point, what is the solution?
I tried a lot of things in this world to try and escape the hurts that wounded me for many years. I also knew a lot of people who tried things such as drugs and violence to escape the pain they felt from experiences they were hurt by. But what I can tell you is that all of those things, all of the things that the world has to offer will only provide temporary relief which is why it’s so easy to become addicted to those places of escape.
Since their so temporary and fleeting, there is no way they will ever satisfy and give you the peace that each one of us so desperately desires.
When I finally found God which took me several years to finally give my life to him because I was so afraid, so hurt, so fearful that God might do the same to me. I also had a hard time believing that God’s promises were true when my experiences told me that promises get broken all the time.
I also thought how could a loving God put me through so much pain, how does that show me that he cares about me? Well, I got an answer one night when my girlfriend’s mother called me. Her mother knew I was adopted but didn’t know I was hurt by it. That night she called my girlfriend to tell me to look up a scripture that God wanted me to know.
Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!
-Isaiah 49:15
I couldn’t explain it but I was in tears that night. I knew that God was speaking directly to me and It really put me in tears knowing that he really did care about me.
Have you struggled with feelings of abandonment? Share your experiences below.
Blessings,
Peter
Am a victim too am all alone throught out my life
Hi Gabriel,
What happened? Feel free to message me if you need prayer and support.
This testimony speaks so much volume to my situation man I feel so awesome because I am dealing with accepting the love of others also God loves. I could be doing good then i fall back into Sin which i hate what i fall back into. I grew up with My father so I never had a Mom to teach me Morals and how to be a True women Of God. the Lord called me at a broken place i felt abondon like no one cares always searching for validation within Human race ( Men) I pray i find my self worth and stop being so angry and upset with my self. Your Blogs have really help me in this tough time of falling Short of his Glory
Hi Hadassah,
I’m so glad my testimony spoke to you. Its really hard when we lose a parent in our lives whether thats a result of their own choice or not. Based on talking with many people who have lost parents in both categories, its definitely harder for the child when a parent decides to walk out for whatever reason. It makes sense too. The validation you struggle with I hear a lot from people who came from homes where their parent(s) abandoned them in some sense, emotionally or physically walking out.
I would really work on asking God to help you with not only understanding your worth in Him but also experiencing your worth through God which are two very different things. Ask God to give you some scriptures to meditate on when you are ‘feeling unloved’ to help you.
I’m so glad that my blog has helped you! From your experiences, what sin has been hardest for you? I’ll be writing another article soon on how to deal with a ‘broken home’ and a parent or parents who have abandoned their children. Thanks for stopping by!
Peter
” Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! ”
But to me this scripture doesn’t help. Because STILL, WHERE THE *bleep* WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM?!
He is just like my own old man in that sense: He isn’t there to love me or comfort me when I feel sad, but he is there to punish me and be angry with me. So no, he had not forgotten me, but he sure as hell was not there! And if he was, he was cold and distant!
I also feel abandoned by God. When I was 5 years old an older cousin of mine started to sexually abuse me and no one was there to help me to stop the abuse. It went on for many years and I began to blame myself for what was happening to me. You see I have a sister who is a little older than me and this was not happening to her so it must be me right? I am much older now but still suffer from the abuse not physically but mentally. Why would God let this happen to me and where was he when I needed him the most? I still need him today but have never truly felt his presence.
Really sorry to hear that. I think that is the big fundamental question with suffering isn’t it. Why did God let this happen to me if he loved me so much? I don’t think I have the answer to that question but my guess is that, without suffering we never would really need God or know what love is. It’s kind of like fear, without fear we would never have the opportunity to be courageous.
In my walk with God, I’ve only experienced God in what you would call a transcendent way when I was 23. The rest of the time, I’ve found God’s presence more in the stillness and quietness of just resting my mind and heart as best I could during the early morning hours or late at night. Have you tried anything similar? Let me know or I can recommend some other resources to help.
I do think that God was there with you when you were suffering like that and his heart did break. I do hope perhaps that you can feel God’s presence in your life because that will help in your healing. I’ll be praying for you and do feel free to message me at any time, I’m more easily accessible on the healing from God facebook page.
Sending love and prayers,
Peter
I was born into a hard life with even harder beliefs , i was born with aspergers and my dad beat the living shit outta me every day for 7 and a half years , My dad was a satanists and a pig of a man . I’ve been knocked unconscious so many times i have terrible memory . as i grew up i’ve been picked on and called retarded and nobody liked me . i tried to convince my mother he was beating me but we ended up staying with him .When i was a kid i hated god , and i still hold anger in my heart even though i shouldn’t . but i can’t help but feel abandoned , i was angry bc we went to church i heard about god and all the wonderful things he does for people and i had none of that , i was left to die and fend for myself. Many times i had the chance to run away but i didn’t , i would look back and see my brothers and i couldn’t leave them to him , if i left he would have killed them . 2 or 3 years later my mother was lost to a cancer unheard of , everyone in my family dies of cancer .i never got the chance to say goodbye , and she died thinking i hated her ,. I love my mother thou i do resent her for a lot of her choices but i loved her. before she died she meet this nice man and ive lived with him ever since but since i’ve been with him i’ve lost my family entirely , i love my brothers and my step dad more than anything in the world .On my side of the family there’s nothing but assholes and entitled pieces of shit . My piece of shit aunt and grandmother have made my life a living hell by always threatening to get dcf and trying to take us from our happy home . so this year we finally just moved away from them and there dead to me , my family isn’t family , there just piece of shit people . Which is even harder because i’m a family man and i’ve given them every chance and they still choose to screw us over. I’ve lost all hope and faith in family i’ve lost hope in a better tomorrow . I’ve been poor my whole damn life and it gets old quick, My step dad actually used to bring in good money for a couple years until obama came into office and introduced obama care and it got so damn expensive that companies everywhere had to lay off tons of people just so they could pay it and keep up with it .And since then we’ve been living check to check poor off our ass .god led us to colorado so we could have a good life and live freely but with the money god gave us to move and rent a house we’ve used almost all of it and are staying with a friend .We have 7 people living in the back of his house in one large sized room . Some mornings i wake up angry at the world , that i have been forsaken ,Even though i know god has kept me alive this far and has protected my house i still feel abandoned , we’ve been here for a month and a half and still nothing , our money’s just wasting away , my dads tried for jobs but everything is so damn expensive up here , unless you work in the military and pull in 6 figures your not getting a house up here . they have a policy that you have to make three times the rent to even start looking at places and god knows we won’t have that money . the only places that are left are either in terrible places we don’t wanna be or not on the map .I don’t know what to do , i prayed to him last night and woke up angry again that with all this money and fortune the lord’s told us well have we dont and again we’re once again poor . i don’t even think i have a chance for collage right now . It’s hard to try and be a better man , it’s even harder to not become your father . I don’t want to be like him . i want to be a dad and raise my own family and raise my kids right .We may be blessed but no matter what it still feels like my family gets the shit end of the stick .I am of the line of Judah and will teach the world to love again but until the day we wait .Im thankful my mother helped me as i grew up so that i act and think and do as normal people , i still have my quirks but it’s nowhere near as bad when i was a kid .this new generation of snowflakes don’t know , every day they complain about spilled milk while im sitting here with the scars of hell in my face , trying constantly for something more , a better purpose .People nowadays are worried about weather they’ll be accepted into yale or some other rich prep schools while i’m worrying whether or not i can finish school .Life ain’t fair and theres jack shit you can do about it , you just have to suck it up and continue for better or for worse i guess .the world meets no man half way .i’ve been told im a fuck up and failure my whole life but one day the lord will give me my chance ,And all i ask is that i have the chance to show the world what i have , To shock the world and to make it better than it is . Man is wolf to man and if there ever was time of such truth then there be any time but now that we may think and act as men .that we may love and accept one another for who we are .
Hello,
Abandonment has been a huge part of my life experience. My father abandoned me and my brother when he left our mother. I was 7 years old. My father and his side of the family just stopped having any contact with us. All my aunts, uncles, and cousins just disowned us when our father left. Later, when I was in grade 10, my mother kicked me out of home. Another form of abandonment. About a decade after this came what I call the cascade. Every couple of years, a good friend would just up and move away to not be heard from again. This continued until I had no friends left. Might not be abandonment, but it sure feels like it. Now I have only 2 living relatives. Those family members on my fathers side no longer count as family. Now, 1 of my last 2 family members wants nothing to do with me until I give up my beliefs. I can’t lie to save feelings, even if it is family. Feels like abandonment. Top this off with God completely ignoring me, to the point where it becomes neglect. I gave myself to God through Jesus over 43 years ago. In all that time, God has been totally uninvolved in my life. All I have ever gotten from God is silence, absence, broken promises (Bible), and unanswered prayers. I emphasize the Bible because God has never spoken to me, to promise me anything specific. I have never seen, heard, or felt anything from/of God in my life. Total neglect from God. Under these conditions, I can’t help but feel abandoned by God. Thanks
God bless you, by the Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ holy name, Amen.