My parents separated when I was about 5. I went to live with my father, my mother left for the Military. I didn’t hear from her often. I grew up in a distant, cold and abusive household. I was often told that I was dumb, hated and would not amount to much. I was beaten and separated from the rest of the household. Kindness was not a word understood.
I was considered the mistake and singled out for failure. My father would tell my brother and sisters that I was a demon..and to stay away from me..so he kept me away from everyone and made me stay in my room unless it was to clean.
I had no friends, wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone, and was treated poorly. I did have an opportunity to catch the bus and go to church. That was one thing I had.
I went to church and at the age of 11 and asked Jesus to come into my life. My father mocked me when I said that I had got saved, replying “Who threw you a life raft?”
I felt so sad in my household, but i remember praying to God for hours at night into the morning.
When I turned 13, life took a bitter turn. I began cultivating anger for my situation. I began smoking and using drugs. I got into trouble. I was mad at everything. I continued a self destructive pattern that got worse until the age of 17..actually, right before my 18th birthday.
I had abused drugs one night and had a blackout while driving a car. I had 4 hit and runs, totaled the car and almost ran my car off the ledge on the side of a road. A tree stopped the car from going off. Even though this happened, i still did not repent…shortly after, within weeks, I felt darkness all around me and it was so heavy that I thought God might close the door on me.
I was scared..I felt like God was telling me that I had to come to Him, but I didn’t want to at the time. So I tried to bargain with God…I told Him I would give up some things, but not all…He wasn’t having it. I finally had to give it all..I asked God once again to come into my heart. I gave up everything and did a complete 180…I joined the military when I was 22..I lived a good life, free and in close communion with God. I still hadnt really given all my mindsets up though or dealt with any of the issues i needed to.
When I was 23, I met a man and ended up having sex before marriage. I got pregnant. I ended up marrying the man and had another child for him..I was with him until I was 28. He had made out with other women at work and told my sister that he had always been in love with her. I divorced him though he apologized.
I spent most of my relationship with him feeling alone and he was very cold and distant. He didn’t really have a heart for me..I think I tried to force it. I actually left him and ran into another mans arms…and now I have repented, and am trying to rebuild what I broke down, though it’s God that is doing the rebuilding. I’ve lived a rough life…but I am thankful that God has had mercy on me as I am the chief of sinners.
My life has been up and down, but thankfully, God has remained constant. I am in a much better place now, but I have to remind myself that it’s not about what I’ve done..rather what He is able to do..and so I praise my God full of wonders because He is good. Very good.