Sex within the confines of a Biblical marriage is a blessing, in fact, much of the Song of Solomon writes like the latest sex novel. However, as time fades and the demands and stresses of life increase, finding time to have sex and making it enjoyable for both partners becomes more difficult.
A noticeable decline in sexual activity can also raise fear and anxiety about whether the attraction is still there, whether both partners still love each other, and even suspicions about alternative sources to explain the decline in sexual frequency such as cheating.
It’s normal for us to want answers for things that we can’t explain. Its important to keep in mind though that every marriage goes through highs and lows of sexual frequency just like life which has its ups and downs.
According to some estimates,
80% of all married couples will at some point in their marriage experience some sexual problem that is significant enough to see a sex therapist about.
There are a number of factors that can contribute to a lower amount of sex in your marriage such as less time for sex, fluctuating hormone levels such as testosterone and estrogen, increased pressure due to commitments, lack of communication, and even a lack of attraction to a partner.
All of these factors can fluctuate at any given time and contribute to the overall frequency of sex within your marriage.
What is more important to ask yourself is whether or not the love is still there? Are you still intimate? Do you still connect on an emotional level?
Remember, although sexual intimacy is very important and healthy within a Christian marriage, it’s not necessarily a sign your marriage is on the verge of a divorce either.
But lets say, there is no doubt in your mind that there is a very clear problem within your marriage regarding sex and you are unsure of why.
The first thing to do is to try and identify it (open and honest communication will help with this part).
Here are couple things to look for according to the power of two marriage:
Informational inhibitions such as a lack of clarity of how to initiate sex and the mistaken belief that arousal initiates sexual activity (which is actually the opposite).
Physical inhibitions such as vaginal pain while having intercourse or fatigue from excessive demands such as work.
Emotional inhibitions such as feelings of depression which inhibit sexual desire or body image disturbances.
Alternative outlets such as pornography, workaholic, affairs.
Obviously, you will have to openly communicate with each other in order to figure out what the problem might be. As Christians, we tend to compartmentalize God into certain areas of our lives such as whenever we have some big deadline or obligation. We even compartmentalize God on certain days of the week such as Sundays.
However, God wants to permeate all areas of your life, even sex. That may sound weird to you but there is no reason not to bring God into your problems even when it comes to sex. So I encourage you first and foremost to go to God about this.
What if you still can’t figure out the problem?
Here are some practical things you can do in the meantime.
1) If you have time to watch Television, you have time to have sex.
Schedule regular times where both of you are available to have sex on a regular basis. It could be right after dinner once a day or on weekends in the morning. It really doesn’t matter. What is most important is openly communicating each other’s needs and building around that.
2) Focus more on quality, not quantity.
Who cares if you are having sex every day and only one person’s needs are being met. Sex isn’t supposed to be a chore that gets done in 5 minutes.
Sex is much more than that. It’s a blessing from God, a gift where two people can consummate their love and affection towards each other, and this magnifies the love between two people.
Don’t get so fixated on the number and especially don’t freak out when you go and read how the “average” couple has sex x amount of days, weeks, months, years (BTW, its 66 times a year according to the latest study lol). You probably looked it up anyways.
3. Don’t stress too much about it.
Getting too rattled about it will only make matters worse and increase the pressure that there is a problem when there may in fact not be. Furthermore, the pressure to “perform” can make matters worse which is especially common for males.
4. Pray for God’s protection around your marriage from Satan and his demons.
There is a saying that says that Satan tries to get couples to have sex before they get married and then tries to prevent them from having sex after they marry. Whether or not there is any truth to this, I don’t know but its still worth considering.
With any marriage, there will be ebbs and flows of sexual activity. The more important thing to do is to continue focusing on God and building each other’s relationship and intimacy with God at the center. When two people adopt the heart and mindset of Jesus (one who serves), it will be much easier to openly discuss, identify, and fix the problem regarding sex.
I hope this has been helpful.