When I was a young girl I had always felt that there was something very different about myself, I could surround myself in a room with peers and yet feel completely alone. The way i’d portray myself to others was superior but inside I felt more like inferior and was screaming out for HELP, a understanding but mostly to be loved.
Everything around me was shattered and broken so I had know healthy supports to confided in about all this emotions flying threw my body. I conditioned myself to endure by learning to hold in all my emotions. I taught myself how to not feel because it was easier than feeling the pain and sadness. By masking these emotions I thought I was growing stronger by the day but the truth was I was only fooling myself and getting sicker.
It caused a huge void, my “brave front” was really a “fear filled” little girl whom never grew up because of all the masks she wore. I desperately searched for attention in all the wrong ways, It was demonstrated in my behaviors acting in ways to make myself feel better about who i was even if it was at the expense of others.
After 11 years of self medicating, It all caught up to me, ending up in jail more than once because of my actions. This was my blessing in disguise though for I finally found the help I needed my whole life. I had all ways believed in God, I just never felt him nor did his will. When I was in jail I got down on my knees and prayed for him to take away all my hurt, pain and additions. that was April 20, 2009 and I have never looked backed.
I also found support, love and better yet, a great understanding of my struggles. I found out that I was not so unique, that there was many others out there just like myself whom shared the same struggles in life. It was a huge relief to not feel so alone any more, to not feel like a out cast or the bad kid.
One of the greatest gifts I gained in my recovery was friends, real friends who hold me up when I’m down and don’t judge me on my worst days. None of this would have been possible with out the Co-Occurring Court ran by judge Nancy Mills in Augusta Maine. This court saved my life, it taught me how to live life sober and like a productive citizen. They gave me all the tools and resource I needed to make changes in my life.
Today I am all most 4 years clean and sober and my mental Health is doing well.I give back to others and spread the message of HOPE in any way that I can.”
This is not the end……
To be continued…….
P.S. I work with people with mental illness today. I’m a daily living support worker and work in the homes with people to teach them wellness in recovery. I also am a certified recovery coach and a certified peer support specialist and I go around spreading my testimony in jails, schools, in wherever God sends Me. If you need help and are going through something similar, feel free to message me sometime :).
If you wish to share your testimony with us, please message this page or our facebook page. God bless.