When God Touches Your Heart

when god touches your heart

I was reading through a book today called Homecoming and I found myself struggling, barely able to finish certain words without crying. As soon as I got to words like, ‘abandoned,’ ‘lonely,’ ‘mother’ or even a couple of words together like, ‘mother never leave me,’ ‘your valued,’ ‘someone would be therefore us.’

It was like someone was touching a wound that you can’t see, you can’t touch but can only feel.

Have you ever felt this way where certain words, or phrases, or songs, bring back a wound that you have tried to forget?

In case you didn’t know, my biological mom gave me up for adoption. I know it was a choice she made for my own good but it still caused a deep wound in my heart that was created by breaking that special bond between a mother and her child.

What’s hard for adoptees like myself is that we never quite know where we came from. I remember getting sporadic details about how I was dropped off, the city and orphanage I was born in, and the name of my biological mom. Despite all of this, there were no pictures and the name I was told by the adoption agency was probably fake.

Everyday, I look in the mirror and wonder, were these my father’s eyes? Do I have my mother’s nose? What will I look like when I’m older?

These things you probably take for granted but unless you experienced it you really don’t realize how our identity is so strongly rooted in our parents psychologically, physically, and even somewhat spiritually and the effects it has on children when they lose that identity to fall back on.

Back to today, along with the feelings of sadness that were overwhelming me I also had a vision of me sitting in the crib all by myself crying as my mom walked out the door. And I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t scream, “Mommy, don’t leave me!”

I cried today more than I have ever cried.

My wounded inner child was wanting to scream out something to my biological mom that I hadn’t expressed my entire life because I was afraid everyone else would do the same as she did, My heart screamed, “I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for who I am, I’m sorry for..whatever the reason you decided to leave me, please don’t leave me, I’m your son, I thought you loved me, I thought a mother could never leave their child.”

With tears rolling down my face my heart shifted to gratitude, “No matter what mommy, I still love you, you don’t have to be a superstar, a famous actress, rich or poor, I love you now with all my heart and I WILL ALWAYS love you mommy.”

I then felt in my heart, this question, “God, where were you, why didn’t you stop her, where were you in my greatest needed, when I was hurt the most!?!!!!?” And to my amazement, my heart already knew the answer….even though I told myself inside of my head a million times that God was with me, I never really believed it, until now.

My head tried to rationalize why my mom left me, why God wasn’t there, and today I could finally feel it something in my heart change.

It was weird but it was almost like a powerful affirmation in your heart that you just know is overwhelmingly true.

I knew in my heart then that God was there..that He did love me and that He was crying there with me in those painful moments I experienced

I thought to myself how great God’s love was for me and for you.

No matter what you have gone through in your life, no matter how much your heart has been broken, God desires to give us moments like these if we only would pursue Him with all of our heart.

I’ll leave you with a testimony I recently read from a man who had a vision in His dream.

“I was in a white room with a single cabinet and Jesus walked in. Jesus opened the cabinet and pulled out my name, it was all of my sins. As he pulled out each one, Jesus cried and wept as his tears hit the paper, and then he crumpled it up and got rid of each one.”

 

 

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